About a Journey.

As life would have it, I am once more looking at my past in awe at the wonders that have unraveled before me. I cannot hide my reality, I choose not to. I choose to look it in the face, to breathe in the fear, to swallow the pride that envelopes me and live. I live the best way I know how.
Each of us are on at least one journey at any given time. This is about my journey through a world of sorrow, passion and deep love. My journey through Infertility. 

After 3 years of marriage, Dave and I finally felt ready to have children. We enjoyed our time together but were ready for the next big thing. We were patient as the months went by. Six months passed,  then 8 and I decided to start charting my cycles. I learned a lot about my body. There were a few minor issues that I sought to correct through herbs, diet and other alternative measures. I saw the changes I wanted in my cycle but nothing came of it. I started feeling vacant. Something was wrong but I didn't know what.

We were camping one weekend in April (1.5 years since we started trying) when Dave and I discussed the next step. What if there was something wrong with him? Or me? What would we do? And the million dollar question, how far would we be willing to go to see this dream fulfilled. We were merely kids in the eyes of the world, we were undeniably clueless to the journey ahead.

A week later, while planting my garden, I started spotting mid cycle. Everything I learned about my body was under scrutiny. I had never had a mid cycle bleed, ever. That week things started to change. The bleeding lasted a couple days and then came the symptoms. I was shocked to see that tiny second line show up on my home pregnancy test. This was it, all the hard work paid off. Funny how urine on a stick could make someone so happy......but only for a moment.

Our first ultrasound showed an 8 week baby, heartbeat and all. Only one problem, he/she was in my right fallopian tube. Oh boy, this is not good. Two scenarios could play out, neither one involved us taking home a baby in 8 months. Off to surgery we go.

I cannot describe the feeling I experienced as I chose my life over the life of that tiny being. The pain of the ectopic pregnancy was nothing compared to seeing that tiny heart beating replaying in my head over and over again. My tube burst just 30 minutes before surgery. One tube down, one left.

I was strong though and Dave was too. He followed my lead carefully, not knowing what I was up for. We tried again and got pregnant right away only to miscarry immediately. Heartache all over again. I dreamt of these babies often. In September, I was pregnant again. I was getting blood tests and progesterone tests done every two days and feeling so hopeful even though I was spotting. We were off to Utah for a family wedding that next week. We had a great time. I had morning sickness but I wasn't complaining. The night before our flight back home, I got an awful feeling in my stomach, not cramps, not pain, just intuition trying to tell me something. I prayed, hard. Then I knew I had to go to the hospital just to be sure. 

The ultrasound tech seemed hopeful as she begun the screening. There was a tiny sac in my uterus. At this point I was just under 6 weeks pregnant so we should be able to see more. The search continued and she found the baby in my left fallopian tube. Off to surgery once again. We were hoping the Doctor could salvage what was left of my tube. The thought of losing both of them was weighing heavily on me. When I awoke, the room was dark. It was 4 in the morning. Dave was standing over me to give me the news that we would no longer be able to concieve a child on our own. The only way for us to get pregnant would be through In Vitro Fertilization,  something we said we would never do.
Dave was tired so I told him to go back to his Moms to sleep. 

I lay there in the dark, alone, and an amazing thing happened. I was comforted. I have no doubt that I was surrounded by loved ones. It was a feeling mostly, but I could see them too. The room was crowded and I felt overwhelmingly loved. 

I can do this. I can move on.

The next months were some of the roughest. The difficulty that infertility put on our marriage was evident. We had to make choices. Choices that we never wanted to make. We had to agree on something because nothing was not an option.
In February,  I had surgery again to remove what was left of my tubes and to the close the opening that led to my uterus. We did not want to chance another ectopic pregnancy and even with IVF, where they put the embryo in your uterus,  there is still a chance that it can float up and attach to the fallopian tube.

Then, in May, we started an IVF cycle. Every day Dave would give me between 2-4 shots in the glutes, abdomen and thigh. Then, I would drive 25 minutes to the clinic for blood draws and ultrasounds every other day. I cannot even 

explain how stressful it was to literally put all our eggs in one basket. Five days into the cycle and my Doctor was ready to cancel because I was not responding at all to the injections.  It turns out that losing my tubes was not the only problem causing my Infertility,  I also had "diminished ovarian reserve". On a whim,  he upped my dosage even more and I prayed for a miracle.  Finally, we had some progress and continued  as planned. We were able to get 5 embryos, 4 fertilized and we transferred 2 in the beginning of June.

We have a two year old girl. She's beautiful, lively and she's a miracle. I cherish every moment  I have with her. But, I cannot say that this journey is over. I am not fixed, I am still missing a part of me and that is something I have to continue to overcome every day. So to say I have overcame Infertility is not entirely correct.  But believe me when I say that my heart is full, I am blessed and I would do it all again for the time I have spent with my little girl. 

About 12% of couples live with infertility. My heart aches for those that will never be able to have a baby in their arms whether through ART, IVF, IUI or adoption. My hope for the future is that more people will recognize infertility for what it is,  a disease, and that more people will show compassion towards those afflicted. 

I would like to thank my family and Daves family for their support,  love and encouragement. And to all others who traveled with us on this journey, whose presence will never be forgotten. We are blessed indeed.

Engraving

If I close my eyes long enough and imagine being there again,  I can almost smell the water and hear the waves crashing. Even though I still have sand crystals on my back,  it's hard to believe that just a mere two hours ago,  I was holding Aspen and drifting into the sea.  I have come to the conclusion that the beach must be magical.  It must be a place to forget the world, the fear and the sadness, the reality of defeat. It must be a place that ignites recovery in our souls.
This picture was taken with my phone.  It has an edit mode called "Engraving". I have never been able to use it because the pictures never turn out.  Well, I think I finally found the picture that this mode was made for.  This is my engraving.

The end of Chapter 1

Feeling nostalgic yet again tonight. It is so easy to get lost in moments during times of change. Change will always come. I guess this night is less of a change and more if a gradual progression. Yep, it's more like the end of a chapter.....One of those chapters you have to go back and reread for fear you may miss or forget something. This is the last night we will hold our one-year-old little girl.  Tomorrow, whether we want it or not, is coming, and our baby is turning two.

I don't understand why some people say they don't want their baby to grow up.  I am dumbfounded every stinking day at this child. I mean,  I know all parents feel this way,  but geez, she is so clever, shes an adorable, borderline perfect, tiny human. To miss out on seeing the person she blossoms into would be tragic for me, utterly tragic.  And in my 30 years of living,  I have discovered that time stops for no one. So, on this special girls birthday,   I vow to NOT wish her everlasting infancy, to NOT bawl my eyes out when she blows out her candles and most importantly,  I will NOT try everything I can to discover a way to freeze time. No, tomorrow will be here soon and we will create memories, we will enjoy our cute little family and we will not dwell on anything negative.
But tonight,  while my sweet almost two year old is sleeping, I will be watching every breath she welcomes. I will be listening to her tiny grunts and moans and committing them to memory. I will, quite honestly,  be counting down the last precious moments I have with a one-year-old. AND, I will not hold back tears tonight. Sweet dreams little Aspen. Tomorrow you will be two.

Some words for my daughter

No intro needed.
Just this.....

Aspen
Each day that passes, we see you grow
You are the sunlight in the window.
You are the green on the oak in spring
You breathe new life into all these things

We love to see you discover it all
You open the cabinets, you hit at the walls
Each step you make proves your courageous
Your joy and laughter is contagious

When you're outside, you never stop.
You climb on trees, you dance, you hop.
In and out of puddles galore, you love the world, you sign for "more".

Aspen, you will always be everything we always need.
More than we dreamt for, more than we asked for, our little girl, our Aspen Tree.

Some days I just need a reminder

My life to date has been quite rewarding. I have an amazing job where I get to help people feel better. I have extremely loyal and grateful clients and I am so blessed to be able to share my abilities as a body worker. For this, for them, for my hands and for my knowledge, I AM GRATEFUL. 

Then, I have this man in my life who knows and understands me in my best and worst moments. He is man enough to know how important my role as a mom is to me. He is a friend in my weakest moments, when I am stressed because I have to be gone from my girl for a whole day, he packs her up to drive over an hour round trip to see me for lunch.....TWO DAYS IN A ROW! He IS what I hope I am for him, and what I hope my daughter will find many years from now.

I've got this little girl that makes my heart melt on a regular basis and pulls my hair out for me so I don't have to. We are sitting in the Aquarium parking lot while she gets some shut eye. I was so close to not going today since all of our friends couldn't, but decided ultimately that we shouldn't miss these moments because of others. We at least have each other and believe me, it is never boring. I AM GRATEFUL she keeps me living, especially on a day I am feeling down. She insists that I focus on the little things. Lets make some more memories.

"No really, look into my eyes"

 

 

"No really, look into my eyes."

Sometimes, I don't have all the answers, well, a lot of the time. I am imperfect, I am a Mother and I am learning as I go, always trying to let my instincts guide my parenting skills (if that's what I choose to call them).

My girl is just old enough to understand a lot of what I say and just brilliant enough to choose what to accept as logic. BUT she is not quite at a mental maturity level where she understands consequences. I expect that will come in the next few months. So tonight, when she through a fit for the third night in a row out of frustration and teething pangs, I told my 18 month old to look into my eyes. "Look at me, look into my eyes." I'm just pushing out ideas here not knowing if she will shoot down my efforts. "Seriously though, look at my eyes, Aspen."  Her tears were still running down her pink cheeks when she stopped crying and tilted her head to the left. Both of her eyes centered on my right pupil and she just stared, head still cocked to the side. Everything went from chaotic and uncontrollable to purposeful, quiet and alert. Oh, YES, I do believe we have had a moment here.

I could see her focusing and dissecting every color and star shape line in my eye. I tried to be content and let her explore as I suggested. I tilted my head to match hers (a favorite game of ours) and then she started laughing hysterically. She has such a joyful and musical laugh, I just had to join in. What am I to do, stay serious? Ha, not this lady.

One of the many blessings of being a Mom for me is these little moments where I feel like I am teaching her something about life, but she has made me the student instead. I don't know if she will ever learn everything I vow to teach her but I know she will continue to expect the best out of me, to push me to be a better parent and a better person everyday of my life.

My Credo

It occurred to me recently that I do not have a Credo...well not one that is written down. I'm not sure why I think it's necessary, maybe, it isn't that it's necessary but more that it can be inspirational and wish for it to be eternal in a sense. Inspiring for myself, for my husband, daughter and anyone else who sees it as so.

I believe in smiles, dark chocolate and husky kisses.
I believe that our thoughts can create reality.
I believe that laughter is the best way to burn calories.
I believe in dreamers and dreams.
I believe in miracles, small or big, if I didn't would they still happen?
I believe that the body has the ability to heal itself.
I believe that nature can simplify life.
I believe that we are all accountable.
I believe that massage is the best gift.
I believe in prayers, answered or otherwise, and in meditation.
I believe in conscious eating.
I beleive in hard work.
I believe in God and Jesus Christ.
I beleive that living a fullfilled and happy life at the expense of losing precious time with others is no life at all.
I beleive in setting my own rules.
I beleive that home is where my family is together.
I believe in Ginger for soothing stomach issues and yoga for the soul.
I believe in love, which is also a song, but I still believe in it.