I'm aware

I thought I would make it through this week without a peep about how it is National Infertility Awareness Week but alas that was not meant to be. When I have an itch, I scratch it. Ok, so bear with me for a minute. More times than I can count, I have been out on the bike trail, tackling every obstacle in my view, over roots, between narrow trees and up rock-filled inclines all for fun of the ride. After hours of riding, I could look back with pride and happiness as I had accomplished something that was emotionally and physically fulfilling as well demanding on both levels. Infertility was and IS still the card that Dave and I drew. It's that rock wall in the middle of our ride, covered in roots and Florida sand that we have had to tackle, not knowing what is on other side. This the reality we have had to deal with as a married couple and as unique individuals. It's the reason why we have had so many obstacles, journeys and adventures-good and bad, empty and fulfilling. This is what has made us who we are. I do not spend time wishing it away as I know that just wastes the life that I can live and DO live, I do however acknowledge it for what it is. Infertility is a disease and we STILL suffer from it. I wonder what would it be like if the general public referred to it as just that, a disease, no different from heart disease or diabetes. I can't help but think that this would trigger a reaction would inspire people to talk about it, to seek support from others and to allow comfort when needed. I would be lying if I said that I believe others know what it feels like to have this disease, I think most people don't understand the heartache....the pain, but I have hope that they WILL one day. There are quite a few couples that drew this card just as we did. I carry a special place in my heart for those that will never get the chance to parent a child, whether that be through IVF, adoption, surrogate or other methods. I know all to well what that feels like. I wish I could say that at some point the disease goes away, but it doesn't. It gets easier to deal with for some but it doesn't go away. So in light of National Infertility AWARENESS Week, I would like to declare myself aware. I encourage those of you with friends or family members who suffer to make yourself aware as well. Learn how to support them or continue to support them through their hardships. Please take the time visit http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/ This is an excellent resource for all.

Love the ride

Dave and I started riding bikes about a couple months after we got married. At the time, we wanted something to do together while also getting exercise, we had NO idea it would end up being something we spend every weekend doing together. Trail riding has always came easy for us. Jersey. check. Those clever padded shorts that I love, yep.....check. Helmet, gloves, fancy schmancy clip in shoes, we got this, and off we go. As fun as it may be, the best part about it is more the experience and less the gear. Nothing is quite as peaceful as being outside, listening to nature and following the man you love over roots, through hog ruts on our way to nowhere as fast as our legs can go. It's been one and a half years since we started In Vitro Fertilization when my RE asked that I stop riding my bike for the time being. I was okay with it but totally knew I was going to be missing out on something that I loved. What I didn't fully grasp was that I would be missing out on the time spent with my husband as well. There is something romantic about riding into the sunset behind your spouse. My music is the sound of the leaves under my tires and the thrush of air in an out of the shocks. The smell of dense cedar fills my lungs and the sound of my own panting creates a rhythm as I push harder through the sand and dirt. What more could I ask for than the chance to play and discover this trail in this very moment. It is a priceless gift. Endorphins give light to meaningful thoughts of reflection and in some moments, silence. I do cherish the silence. He calls back to check on me and I know I am headed in the right direction. Loving the ride.

A letter to my 20 year old self

I chose to write you a letter tonight from your 29 going on 30 year old self. Haha, I know you never thought 30 would be old, thank goodness you still feel the same. As 30 approaches, I am thinking back to you.....young, innocent and curious. Right about now, you are probably somewhat satisfied with life on the outside but something isn't quite right, is it? You don't need to get into details with me because I know you so well. I know some days you feel so off, you wonder what else life can offer. You wonder if you are being treated the way you deserve. You question your faith and your choices. I am happy to tell you that you will make it through this patch. It takes time to figure out which direction to go in and to let go of your expectations. Sometimes it is impossible to get what you want out of what you already have, do you understand? It is ok to give up on something when chasing it offers nothing but pain. Learn to let go. In the next few years, you will truly understand what that means and how it feels to move on. You will make a new world for yourself, and you won't look back. That being said, at some point you will meet a guy that cherishes you. He will support you, not so much with words, but by his actions. If you don't notice that attribute in the person you are with now, believe me.....he isn't THE one. Home is where the heart is. You will never forget that, you will also learn that Home is where you make it.....it's more about who you are with, then where you are living. Cherish the moments you feel comfort and safety. One day, you will enjoy sitting reclined in front of the fireplace enjoying your solitude and a cup of tea with your loved ones. Yes, you will love to stay home on the weekend nights, doesn't that sound relaxing and SO grown up? Life is going to be hard, by now, you have experienced a piece of that. More friends will pass, more hearts will break and more tragedy will strike. What little bits of faith you feel you have now, you will question in just a short time. Don't give up....ever, not even when your 30. There is a plan in place for you. Slowly, it will surface but believe me, it will keep you on your toes every bit of the way! I am happy to say that without a doubt, you are fulfilled when your 29. You are amazed and you are loved and YOU are grateful. So much to look forward to.

This October Day

As I stepped outside yesterday, I could smell autumn in the air. The cool, sweet breeze gently blew against my face. Then with the next step, the sun warmth spread across the right side of my body. Oh, how I love this season. The very thought of what is to come in the near future leaves me savoring every second of this October day. Dave and I walked around the yard, exploring trees, feeling the prickly grass on our feet, with a lively baby in my arms. We showed her the bamboo daddy has been growing in the back. She smells, touches and tries to eat one of the leaves, discovering with all her senses as she often does. I puzzle at what this place may be like for her, a young and impressionable creature. Every new taste or smell is a first, her first. We make our way to the sturdy grandfather Oak, then to our newly planted Magnolia. Each time we approach a tree, she waves her arms in excitement and sequels out in pure joy. It takes my breath away seeing her explore the world. I hope she gets to see it all, taste it all. Dave and I make our way to the front of the house, sun still shining, wind still blowing gently on our skin. Dave lays out a blankey on the grass just under the oak in front of our home. We lay out in the sun, we play and laugh all together.

something more

Someone once told me that the desires we have in our hearts come from a higher power .....meaning God. This was years ago but it stuck with me. The concept absorbed into my skin, my being , little by little until it became a part of me; a part of my world and every time I question why I feel so strongly about certain things, in that tiny moment, I wonder why God has put that desire in me. Desire is such a strong word, something that one cannot live without. There have been many things in my life that I felt a longing for, nothing quite that would measure up to my longing to be a mother. My heart would race at the concept of holding my own precious soul in my arms. For a long time, I wasn't sure how this would come to be but I knew it would, I felt that it would. Patience. Endurance. The realization that life is what we make it. I choose this moment. I choose her. Again, I feel my heart race. Enter desire. Yes, I recognize the feeling. My whole body warms at the thought. Something more, something more.

To Dave- In the right moment.

She was young and he was too. Both not ready for anything more than a dance under the dim light. At the rehearsal dinner, they sat across from each other, pictures were taken, balloon hats were worn, salsa was eaten.... and neither boy nor girl gave a second glance at the person sitting near. The presumption being that it was not meant to be. "Oh, he"s a great guy and he's so cute", the bride told her sister. And the girl, who maybe lacked some self confidence, did not pursue the blue-eyed, blonde haired man. As for the boy, not much is known of his thoughts on her at the time if there were any. Alas, it was not the right place, it was not the right moment. They enjoyed the wedding and went on their ways, back to their different worlds, different dreams. She fell in love and married, soon after. One destructive decision after another and life was difficult. She knew her world was not ideal and realized that some things should be let go of. She moved back home, not searching for anything short of freedom. He had a rough go after high school and made the choice to move from the only place he had ever known. He needed a fresh start, a new hopeful existence. Free from her shackles, she saw a glimmer of opportunity in her future. She embraced her new life, and for the first time ever, she learned to love herself. So, when her sister mentioned the boy again, she figured there was nothing wrong with becoming friends. She hardly remembered his face. He just got out of a relationship and agreed to have a chat with her. At over 4,000 miles apart, they opened up to a friendship; they accepted which ever direction it would go. But nobody truly knew what was to come. She found it easy to converse with him. She told him all her secrets and her dreams. He acknowledged her in a way she had never known possible. They grew together. As their conversations lingered, so did their nights and days. Sometimes, they would talk so long that they would fall asleep on the phone. She loved hearing his tired, scratchy voice. He loved her giddy zest for life. They would have never known that this was meant to be; that love could be born by merely sharing and gaining and even more so, without seeing. The right place and the right moment just hadn't happened until then. The story of us begins.......

Godspeed

Today I am blessed. I was able to provide for my clients, spend time with my baby and have amazing conversation with my best friend and husband. I like to remember how much I have been given so I don't have reason to complain. Tonight, I didn't need to remind myself how great I've got it. Aspen is asleep on me as I type on my phone and rock on the glider. The dogs are sprawled out on the cool laminate floor, sleeping. Niko next to Dave's spot on the couch and Belles on my side, a somber guardian. My husband laughs hysterically at "Rules of Engagement" reruns and everytime he does, Aspen lifts her head up and opens her tired eyes to see him....she smiles and then plops her head back on my shoulder. Aw, the simple life that a child has. Her innocence is a reminder of how life should be. Good night moon will find the mouse and I love you. God speed little one. Sweet dreams little one