This October Day

As I stepped outside yesterday, I could smell autumn in the air. The cool, sweet breeze gently blew against my face. Then with the next step, the sun warmth spread across the right side of my body. Oh, how I love this season. The very thought of what is to come in the near future leaves me savoring every second of this October day. Dave and I walked around the yard, exploring trees, feeling the prickly grass on our feet, with a lively baby in my arms. We showed her the bamboo daddy has been growing in the back. She smells, touches and tries to eat one of the leaves, discovering with all her senses as she often does. I puzzle at what this place may be like for her, a young and impressionable creature. Every new taste or smell is a first, her first. We make our way to the sturdy grandfather Oak, then to our newly planted Magnolia. Each time we approach a tree, she waves her arms in excitement and sequels out in pure joy. It takes my breath away seeing her explore the world. I hope she gets to see it all, taste it all. Dave and I make our way to the front of the house, sun still shining, wind still blowing gently on our skin. Dave lays out a blankey on the grass just under the oak in front of our home. We lay out in the sun, we play and laugh all together.

something more

Someone once told me that the desires we have in our hearts come from a higher power .....meaning God. This was years ago but it stuck with me. The concept absorbed into my skin, my being , little by little until it became a part of me; a part of my world and every time I question why I feel so strongly about certain things, in that tiny moment, I wonder why God has put that desire in me. Desire is such a strong word, something that one cannot live without. There have been many things in my life that I felt a longing for, nothing quite that would measure up to my longing to be a mother. My heart would race at the concept of holding my own precious soul in my arms. For a long time, I wasn't sure how this would come to be but I knew it would, I felt that it would. Patience. Endurance. The realization that life is what we make it. I choose this moment. I choose her. Again, I feel my heart race. Enter desire. Yes, I recognize the feeling. My whole body warms at the thought. Something more, something more.

To Dave- In the right moment.

She was young and he was too. Both not ready for anything more than a dance under the dim light. At the rehearsal dinner, they sat across from each other, pictures were taken, balloon hats were worn, salsa was eaten.... and neither boy nor girl gave a second glance at the person sitting near. The presumption being that it was not meant to be. "Oh, he"s a great guy and he's so cute", the bride told her sister. And the girl, who maybe lacked some self confidence, did not pursue the blue-eyed, blonde haired man. As for the boy, not much is known of his thoughts on her at the time if there were any. Alas, it was not the right place, it was not the right moment. They enjoyed the wedding and went on their ways, back to their different worlds, different dreams. She fell in love and married, soon after. One destructive decision after another and life was difficult. She knew her world was not ideal and realized that some things should be let go of. She moved back home, not searching for anything short of freedom. He had a rough go after high school and made the choice to move from the only place he had ever known. He needed a fresh start, a new hopeful existence. Free from her shackles, she saw a glimmer of opportunity in her future. She embraced her new life, and for the first time ever, she learned to love herself. So, when her sister mentioned the boy again, she figured there was nothing wrong with becoming friends. She hardly remembered his face. He just got out of a relationship and agreed to have a chat with her. At over 4,000 miles apart, they opened up to a friendship; they accepted which ever direction it would go. But nobody truly knew what was to come. She found it easy to converse with him. She told him all her secrets and her dreams. He acknowledged her in a way she had never known possible. They grew together. As their conversations lingered, so did their nights and days. Sometimes, they would talk so long that they would fall asleep on the phone. She loved hearing his tired, scratchy voice. He loved her giddy zest for life. They would have never known that this was meant to be; that love could be born by merely sharing and gaining and even more so, without seeing. The right place and the right moment just hadn't happened until then. The story of us begins.......

Godspeed

Today I am blessed. I was able to provide for my clients, spend time with my baby and have amazing conversation with my best friend and husband. I like to remember how much I have been given so I don't have reason to complain. Tonight, I didn't need to remind myself how great I've got it. Aspen is asleep on me as I type on my phone and rock on the glider. The dogs are sprawled out on the cool laminate floor, sleeping. Niko next to Dave's spot on the couch and Belles on my side, a somber guardian. My husband laughs hysterically at "Rules of Engagement" reruns and everytime he does, Aspen lifts her head up and opens her tired eyes to see him....she smiles and then plops her head back on my shoulder. Aw, the simple life that a child has. Her innocence is a reminder of how life should be. Good night moon will find the mouse and I love you. God speed little one. Sweet dreams little one

Remembrance Angel

Last night, I took Aspen to bed when she was not quite ready. She squirmed about, started talking and gooing at Dave and I. I tried to get her to breast feed over and over again in hopes that it would put her back to sleep. Of course, she resisted. I decided to get up and put her back to sleep by rocking or bouncing on the yoga ball out in the living room.

I turned on the dim light in front of the fireplace and then walked to my Ipod stand and put on some music. Jewel's voice filled the room and I started to dance with my precious baby girl. We twirled and I sang. Her gaze stayed content on something, so I turned to see what as she continued to lock onto an angel figurine I had just above the fireplace. I thought, "well, this may be a good time to show her". I reached up and grabbed the angel and showed Aspen. She smiled. I began my short story.

 This Angel is a Remembrance Angel. It reminds daddy and I of your brothers or sisters so that we don't forget what we almost had here on earth. Do you remember them?

Aspen smiled at me and I knew she  was aware of my words and that she felt what I felt. My heart warmed so fast at the prospect of Aspen playing with other children in a space before this life. Maybe there were more than three others there, I'm not sure. I let her hold the angel for a minute and she gawked at it, so alert, so alive. I put it back on the mantel and cried for a minute as I sang and bounced my baby back to sleep.

“An angel, in the book of life, wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth".”

Track 10

Once again, I was in awe today. I was driving through the country, on my way to school and listening to The City of Angels soundtrack. The last three songs on the record are strictly music and tell a romantic story of lost love and courage; strength to get up after the fall.

The clouds were dark and comforting, causing the green grass to be much more vivid then when under the blazing Florida sun. And I remembered how much I love the world. Peace filled my heart and I smiled. I am always so grateful for the blessings that I have. It is amazing to me that something so normal to many is far from normal in my head, it is too beautiful to ever be portrayed with such a description as "normal".

So many memories form me, most consist of some kind of spiritual experience in nature, something irreplaceable; an emotion linked to a portrait of opportunities. I am never more comfortable than when I am surrounded by so much wholesome, selfless beauty.

making a star

The realization that life is moving with or without me is slightly creeping in on me. Choices are like instant destinations, a road that may not be easily paved; a constant reminder of dreams. Dreams can be forgotten, neglected, or worse, judged.

The things I do, choices I make should come intentionally from my heart and leave no regrets. They should be based on my knowledge of life and love of the world, my understanding. Willingness to give of myself but not all of myself.

If I could make a star and place it in the sky, I would if it meant something of mine would serve a purpose for the world. A light of beauty for all to enjoy. No matter the work, the labor, the eternities of time that would be inevitable, it would all be worth it.

Choices are no more a dream than a single star serves as light. My dreams cannot be forgotten because that means no one would benefit from my place.