Godspeed

Today I am blessed. I was able to provide for my clients, spend time with my baby and have amazing conversation with my best friend and husband. I like to remember how much I have been given so I don't have reason to complain. Tonight, I didn't need to remind myself how great I've got it. Aspen is asleep on me as I type on my phone and rock on the glider. The dogs are sprawled out on the cool laminate floor, sleeping. Niko next to Dave's spot on the couch and Belles on my side, a somber guardian. My husband laughs hysterically at "Rules of Engagement" reruns and everytime he does, Aspen lifts her head up and opens her tired eyes to see him....she smiles and then plops her head back on my shoulder. Aw, the simple life that a child has. Her innocence is a reminder of how life should be. Good night moon will find the mouse and I love you. God speed little one. Sweet dreams little one

Remembrance Angel

Last night, I took Aspen to bed when she was not quite ready. She squirmed about, started talking and gooing at Dave and I. I tried to get her to breast feed over and over again in hopes that it would put her back to sleep. Of course, she resisted. I decided to get up and put her back to sleep by rocking or bouncing on the yoga ball out in the living room.

I turned on the dim light in front of the fireplace and then walked to my Ipod stand and put on some music. Jewel's voice filled the room and I started to dance with my precious baby girl. We twirled and I sang. Her gaze stayed content on something, so I turned to see what as she continued to lock onto an angel figurine I had just above the fireplace. I thought, "well, this may be a good time to show her". I reached up and grabbed the angel and showed Aspen. She smiled. I began my short story.

 This Angel is a Remembrance Angel. It reminds daddy and I of your brothers or sisters so that we don't forget what we almost had here on earth. Do you remember them?

Aspen smiled at me and I knew she  was aware of my words and that she felt what I felt. My heart warmed so fast at the prospect of Aspen playing with other children in a space before this life. Maybe there were more than three others there, I'm not sure. I let her hold the angel for a minute and she gawked at it, so alert, so alive. I put it back on the mantel and cried for a minute as I sang and bounced my baby back to sleep.

“An angel, in the book of life, wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth".”

Track 10

Once again, I was in awe today. I was driving through the country, on my way to school and listening to The City of Angels soundtrack. The last three songs on the record are strictly music and tell a romantic story of lost love and courage; strength to get up after the fall.

The clouds were dark and comforting, causing the green grass to be much more vivid then when under the blazing Florida sun. And I remembered how much I love the world. Peace filled my heart and I smiled. I am always so grateful for the blessings that I have. It is amazing to me that something so normal to many is far from normal in my head, it is too beautiful to ever be portrayed with such a description as "normal".

So many memories form me, most consist of some kind of spiritual experience in nature, something irreplaceable; an emotion linked to a portrait of opportunities. I am never more comfortable than when I am surrounded by so much wholesome, selfless beauty.

making a star

The realization that life is moving with or without me is slightly creeping in on me. Choices are like instant destinations, a road that may not be easily paved; a constant reminder of dreams. Dreams can be forgotten, neglected, or worse, judged.

The things I do, choices I make should come intentionally from my heart and leave no regrets. They should be based on my knowledge of life and love of the world, my understanding. Willingness to give of myself but not all of myself.

If I could make a star and place it in the sky, I would if it meant something of mine would serve a purpose for the world. A light of beauty for all to enjoy. No matter the work, the labor, the eternities of time that would be inevitable, it would all be worth it.

Choices are no more a dream than a single star serves as light. My dreams cannot be forgotten because that means no one would benefit from my place.

the new normal

I just can’t seem to get rid of this dream. I seek for more knowledge because of my insight and love for the human body. I recognize that all is not within my reach and all cannot be fixed nor prevented by just one person. Still, I cannot sit back and give up on learning more, so I aspire just as anyone would do when faced with a fork in the road. I wonder what I will find under this rock.

I would like to say when life gives you lemons…(fill in the blank), but it seems to undermine the past year pilgrimage that I have experienced. If it is meant to be, it will be. To realize I don’t know enough is not merely a feat, as some would say, for me it is a reason to keep going. I can only be responsible for my own choices and my own comprehension of life and so I am and I will. Contrarily, I will not be responsible for outcomes that were not of my own conscious mind. I cannot live in a rotted mind that would take on that obligation.

So, here I am pursuing an otherwise unrealistic goal for a 27 year old….nevertheless, that is me and this is my life. I am setting my sights for fabulous things, for a dream that I have always cherished, for a skill that I have only begun to hone. The only absolute approach to my craving is to become a Doctor of Osteopathy. I will take you with me on this perilous flight of twists and turns, I hope we all come out the other end with a better understanding and a better acceptance of our own personal adventure. Oh how I pray that I my body can handle the route my brain has chosen.

“Some things happen to us from which we never recover and they disrupt the normalcy of our lives. That’s how life is. Human nature has a tendency to try to reconstruct old ways and pick up where we left off. If we are wise, we wont continue to go back to the way things were (we can’t anyway). We must instead forget the old standard and accept a “new normal”. Don Piper/90 minutes in heaven

Ode to Me

Ode to me

Aubrey Bahr

Ode to my Body

It dances

Playfully Healthy

Sleeps

Ode to my Mind

Yearning

Knows gratitude

Remembers

Ode to my Soul

Loves people. Sees

Me

Giving and receiving

Ode to my Spirit

Nature fed

Smells

Of life