The night she fell asleep without me.

You know, it didn't even start as this idea to always be there. I didn't purposely set a goal to ensure that I was always around. When she was tiny, I had to put her to sleep, HAD to. Aspen has always had issues falling asleep and staying asleep. So we just did what we had to do to accommodate her needs and stay sane. But, after a couple years of laying next to her, something happened. I started thinking about a time when I wouldn't be there for that very moment and I was seriously dreading it! So for the next year or so, I actually tried to be home in the evening for our nightly ritual.

There was a few nights when I was out later and fully expected her to fall asleep on her own, but alas, I came home and she was up, waiting for me. Usually happy to see me, and I her.

Tonight, she fell asleep without me laying next to her.

And, I think I will live. I will be fine because she is fine. That's the funny thing about watching your baby grow up. You see every progress and change that comes her way, and for a while, you even fail to notice that you change too. But we're always changing. And then, one fall night, you come home from work and find her already asleep, warm and cozy in her bed. And everything is just as it should be.

On the eve of your third.

For a minute, I waited outside the trailer. I was done doing the dishes, picking up the chairs and untangling the dog's leashes. But I stood there, cold and tired, just listening to your Dad read you a bedtime story through the door. I stared at the blue christmas lights we used to decorate the outside of the trailer. I wanted you to know that this day was different, that this weekend was all for you. I didn't expect you to love it as much as I did. But I could see the magic in your eyes when you screamed "This lights for me? For my birthday?!"
My eyes wandered up, towards the sky. The trees around our campsite were full and green but opened up so we could see the stars shining directly above. You know those moments where your heart swells and you just feel utterly grateful for every single thing that you have? THIS was one of those moments. Time stood still, and quiet, and peaceful. Even in these moments when I'm not in your presence, I am thinking of you.

In the last three years, you have opened my eyes, you have taught me to be more a part of your world and less of mine. But between your second and third birthdays, I have seen and heard some amazing things. I love hearing you make up new and random lyrics just so you can sing to us and how you always want to say a prayer for every occasion! Aspen, when you dance, everybody stops to watch. You take your time and execute every little move. It's inspiring to see such a young person like you, be so tuned in to your self. Tonight, as we roasted marshmallows, you started to do what I can only describe as a "smoke dance" with the fire. It was amazing. You're amazing.

You say things like "I love myself!" and "I am smart and my a strong and my brave." And, this morning "I can do anything!" when you accomplished something that seemed impossible. I can only hope, as any Mother would, that you don't ever loose that love and self worth because it is such a beautiful thing to see. I hope you continue to encourage others, and grow new friendships. I hope that this third year of life is full of magic and awe as you continue to discover life in all forms. And Aspen, thank you. When we asked you what you wanted to do for your birthday and told you we would do anything you wanted, you chose camping without a second thought. Thank you for remembering how much we all love to be together, in nature, away from all the worries of the world.

Happy birthday my little Aspen tree, next time you see me, you will be three.

Two Hands

Tarzan is a pretty awesome movie. Even as adults, Dave and I love to sit down and watch it with Aspen. She sings through all the songs (ok, some of it is more babbling) but all the same, it is pretty fabulous to hear "You'll be in my heart" from a toddlers mouth.

For those that aren't too familiar with the story, Tarzan is a human orphan that Kala takes on as her own child. Kala is a Gorilla. So Tarzan grows up with a family of Gorillas, swinging from tree vines, walking on all fours and even using his feet for peeling bananas. Pretty talented honestly. There is a scene in the first part of the Disney movie where toddler Tarzan gets upset and smears his face with mud. He then looks in a lake at his concealed reflection. For the first time in his life, he looks like everyone else.......he looks like a Gorilla.

Kala, comes up and gently starts wiping his face off while Tarzan asks "Why am I so different?" It's such an amazingly tender moment when his mother puts out her hands for his. A pair of giant brown Gorilla hands and small soft toddler hands join together. One huge and one small. "Forget what you see. Now what do you feel?" Kala says. She puts his hand  on her heart to feel it beating. Just like his own heart does.

I have to admit that the first time I saw this scene, I got teary eyed.

Now my toddler, who seems to be more in tune with her emotions then most adults I know, has consistently offered her hands to Dave and I for the last week. She comes up to us and says "Two hands Mom" or "Two hands Dad". And she holds it. It's almost a game to see who drops their hands first. Sometimes she giggles and sometimes she just stares.

Maybe she's just reenacting a random scene from her favorite movie. Or maybe she just thinks it's funny that Dave and I do whatever she tells us to! She does have a sence of humor. But I think, just maybe, it is something more. I think she must realize the significance of that moment when we see that we are all the same underneath. That we all have two hands, two eyes and a single heart. And that's exactly what I think of everytime she is kind enough to remind me.

This time, I pulled over.

One of the first things I noticed about my husband is that when I am around him, he makes me lose track of time. I don't know what it is! Maybe he is really that intriguing or maybe I am just completely at ease around him. Whatever it may be, I have loved the life and the home that we have created together. Where time can pass slowly or quickly but we never miss a minute because we are together.

Aspen came along and added to this feeling of peace. When I am with her, time does not exist to hold us back from our adventures.  But believe me, when we are apart, I am quick to get back to them.

Tonight was different. I was driving home from my usual Tuesday night appointment and I glanced out my widow and caught a glimpse of the sun peeking through the clouds. I am far too intuitive to ignore the prompting that I felt. I just couldn't let something so beautiful happen right in front of me and I not take a moment to appreciate it. So, instead of getting home to see my family as fast as I could,  I pulled over and I soaked it up.
And do you know what, it did me a lot of good.

I had a rush of thoughts. First about the beauty in this world, which God has given to all of us. Then, I remembered all the things that I have to be thankful for, my beautiful family, my home and my life that is so fulfilling to me. I really do have so much to be grateful for. I was then overcome with a feeling of peace, my mind was completely at rest.  A feeling that I know well but tend to forget when I get caught up in this worldly chaos.

As it turns out,  that's exactly why I pulled over.

About a Journey.

As life would have it, I am once more looking at my past in awe at the wonders that have unraveled before me. I cannot hide my reality, I choose not to. I choose to look it in the face, to breathe in the fear, to swallow the pride that envelopes me and live. I live the best way I know how.
Each of us are on at least one journey at any given time. This is about my journey through a world of sorrow, passion and deep love. My journey through Infertility. 

After 3 years of marriage, Dave and I finally felt ready to have children. We enjoyed our time together but were ready for the next big thing. We were patient as the months went by. Six months passed,  then 8 and I decided to start charting my cycles. I learned a lot about my body. There were a few minor issues that I sought to correct through herbs, diet and other alternative measures. I saw the changes I wanted in my cycle but nothing came of it. I started feeling vacant. Something was wrong but I didn't know what.

We were camping one weekend in April (1.5 years since we started trying) when Dave and I discussed the next step. What if there was something wrong with him? Or me? What would we do? And the million dollar question, how far would we be willing to go to see this dream fulfilled. We were merely kids in the eyes of the world, we were undeniably clueless to the journey ahead.

A week later, while planting my garden, I started spotting mid cycle. Everything I learned about my body was under scrutiny. I had never had a mid cycle bleed, ever. That week things started to change. The bleeding lasted a couple days and then came the symptoms. I was shocked to see that tiny second line show up on my home pregnancy test. This was it, all the hard work paid off. Funny how urine on a stick could make someone so happy......but only for a moment.

Our first ultrasound showed an 8 week baby, heartbeat and all. Only one problem, he/she was in my right fallopian tube. Oh boy, this is not good. Two scenarios could play out, neither one involved us taking home a baby in 8 months. Off to surgery we go.

I cannot describe the feeling I experienced as I chose my life over the life of that tiny being. The pain of the ectopic pregnancy was nothing compared to seeing that tiny heart beating replaying in my head over and over again. My tube burst just 30 minutes before surgery. One tube down, one left.

I was strong though and Dave was too. He followed my lead carefully, not knowing what I was up for. We tried again and got pregnant right away only to miscarry immediately. Heartache all over again. I dreamt of these babies often. In September, I was pregnant again. I was getting blood tests and progesterone tests done every two days and feeling so hopeful even though I was spotting. We were off to Utah for a family wedding that next week. We had a great time. I had morning sickness but I wasn't complaining. The night before our flight back home, I got an awful feeling in my stomach, not cramps, not pain, just intuition trying to tell me something. I prayed, hard. Then I knew I had to go to the hospital just to be sure. 

The ultrasound tech seemed hopeful as she begun the screening. There was a tiny sac in my uterus. At this point I was just under 6 weeks pregnant so we should be able to see more. The search continued and she found the baby in my left fallopian tube. Off to surgery once again. We were hoping the Doctor could salvage what was left of my tube. The thought of losing both of them was weighing heavily on me. When I awoke, the room was dark. It was 4 in the morning. Dave was standing over me to give me the news that we would no longer be able to concieve a child on our own. The only way for us to get pregnant would be through In Vitro Fertilization,  something we said we would never do.
Dave was tired so I told him to go back to his Moms to sleep. 

I lay there in the dark, alone, and an amazing thing happened. I was comforted. I have no doubt that I was surrounded by loved ones. It was a feeling mostly, but I could see them too. The room was crowded and I felt overwhelmingly loved. 

I can do this. I can move on.

The next months were some of the roughest. The difficulty that infertility put on our marriage was evident. We had to make choices. Choices that we never wanted to make. We had to agree on something because nothing was not an option.
In February,  I had surgery again to remove what was left of my tubes and to the close the opening that led to my uterus. We did not want to chance another ectopic pregnancy and even with IVF, where they put the embryo in your uterus,  there is still a chance that it can float up and attach to the fallopian tube.

Then, in May, we started an IVF cycle. Every day Dave would give me between 2-4 shots in the glutes, abdomen and thigh. Then, I would drive 25 minutes to the clinic for blood draws and ultrasounds every other day. I cannot even 

explain how stressful it was to literally put all our eggs in one basket. Five days into the cycle and my Doctor was ready to cancel because I was not responding at all to the injections.  It turns out that losing my tubes was not the only problem causing my Infertility,  I also had "diminished ovarian reserve". On a whim,  he upped my dosage even more and I prayed for a miracle.  Finally, we had some progress and continued  as planned. We were able to get 5 embryos, 4 fertilized and we transferred 2 in the beginning of June.

We have a two year old girl. She's beautiful, lively and she's a miracle. I cherish every moment  I have with her. But, I cannot say that this journey is over. I am not fixed, I am still missing a part of me and that is something I have to continue to overcome every day. So to say I have overcame Infertility is not entirely correct.  But believe me when I say that my heart is full, I am blessed and I would do it all again for the time I have spent with my little girl. 

About 12% of couples live with infertility. My heart aches for those that will never be able to have a baby in their arms whether through ART, IVF, IUI or adoption. My hope for the future is that more people will recognize infertility for what it is,  a disease, and that more people will show compassion towards those afflicted. 

I would like to thank my family and Daves family for their support,  love and encouragement. And to all others who traveled with us on this journey, whose presence will never be forgotten. We are blessed indeed.

Engraving

If I close my eyes long enough and imagine being there again,  I can almost smell the water and hear the waves crashing. Even though I still have sand crystals on my back,  it's hard to believe that just a mere two hours ago,  I was holding Aspen and drifting into the sea.  I have come to the conclusion that the beach must be magical.  It must be a place to forget the world, the fear and the sadness, the reality of defeat. It must be a place that ignites recovery in our souls.
This picture was taken with my phone.  It has an edit mode called "Engraving". I have never been able to use it because the pictures never turn out.  Well, I think I finally found the picture that this mode was made for.  This is my engraving.

The end of Chapter 1

Feeling nostalgic yet again tonight. It is so easy to get lost in moments during times of change. Change will always come. I guess this night is less of a change and more if a gradual progression. Yep, it's more like the end of a chapter.....One of those chapters you have to go back and reread for fear you may miss or forget something. This is the last night we will hold our one-year-old little girl.  Tomorrow, whether we want it or not, is coming, and our baby is turning two.

I don't understand why some people say they don't want their baby to grow up.  I am dumbfounded every stinking day at this child. I mean,  I know all parents feel this way,  but geez, she is so clever, shes an adorable, borderline perfect, tiny human. To miss out on seeing the person she blossoms into would be tragic for me, utterly tragic.  And in my 30 years of living,  I have discovered that time stops for no one. So, on this special girls birthday,   I vow to NOT wish her everlasting infancy, to NOT bawl my eyes out when she blows out her candles and most importantly,  I will NOT try everything I can to discover a way to freeze time. No, tomorrow will be here soon and we will create memories, we will enjoy our cute little family and we will not dwell on anything negative.
But tonight,  while my sweet almost two year old is sleeping, I will be watching every breath she welcomes. I will be listening to her tiny grunts and moans and committing them to memory. I will, quite honestly,  be counting down the last precious moments I have with a one-year-old. AND, I will not hold back tears tonight. Sweet dreams little Aspen. Tomorrow you will be two.

Some words for my daughter

No intro needed.
Just this.....

Aspen
Each day that passes, we see you grow
You are the sunlight in the window.
You are the green on the oak in spring
You breathe new life into all these things

We love to see you discover it all
You open the cabinets, you hit at the walls
Each step you make proves your courageous
Your joy and laughter is contagious

When you're outside, you never stop.
You climb on trees, you dance, you hop.
In and out of puddles galore, you love the world, you sign for "more".

Aspen, you will always be everything we always need.
More than we dreamt for, more than we asked for, our little girl, our Aspen Tree.

Some days I just need a reminder

My life to date has been quite rewarding. I have an amazing job where I get to help people feel better. I have extremely loyal and grateful clients and I am so blessed to be able to share my abilities as a body worker. For this, for them, for my hands and for my knowledge, I AM GRATEFUL. 

Then, I have this man in my life who knows and understands me in my best and worst moments. He is man enough to know how important my role as a mom is to me. He is a friend in my weakest moments, when I am stressed because I have to be gone from my girl for a whole day, he packs her up to drive over an hour round trip to see me for lunch.....TWO DAYS IN A ROW! He IS what I hope I am for him, and what I hope my daughter will find many years from now.

I've got this little girl that makes my heart melt on a regular basis and pulls my hair out for me so I don't have to. We are sitting in the Aquarium parking lot while she gets some shut eye. I was so close to not going today since all of our friends couldn't, but decided ultimately that we shouldn't miss these moments because of others. We at least have each other and believe me, it is never boring. I AM GRATEFUL she keeps me living, especially on a day I am feeling down. She insists that I focus on the little things. Lets make some more memories.

"No really, look into my eyes"

 

 

"No really, look into my eyes."

Sometimes, I don't have all the answers, well, a lot of the time. I am imperfect, I am a Mother and I am learning as I go, always trying to let my instincts guide my parenting skills (if that's what I choose to call them).

My girl is just old enough to understand a lot of what I say and just brilliant enough to choose what to accept as logic. BUT she is not quite at a mental maturity level where she understands consequences. I expect that will come in the next few months. So tonight, when she through a fit for the third night in a row out of frustration and teething pangs, I told my 18 month old to look into my eyes. "Look at me, look into my eyes." I'm just pushing out ideas here not knowing if she will shoot down my efforts. "Seriously though, look at my eyes, Aspen."  Her tears were still running down her pink cheeks when she stopped crying and tilted her head to the left. Both of her eyes centered on my right pupil and she just stared, head still cocked to the side. Everything went from chaotic and uncontrollable to purposeful, quiet and alert. Oh, YES, I do believe we have had a moment here.

I could see her focusing and dissecting every color and star shape line in my eye. I tried to be content and let her explore as I suggested. I tilted my head to match hers (a favorite game of ours) and then she started laughing hysterically. She has such a joyful and musical laugh, I just had to join in. What am I to do, stay serious? Ha, not this lady.

One of the many blessings of being a Mom for me is these little moments where I feel like I am teaching her something about life, but she has made me the student instead. I don't know if she will ever learn everything I vow to teach her but I know she will continue to expect the best out of me, to push me to be a better parent and a better person everyday of my life.

My Credo

It occurred to me recently that I do not have a Credo...well not one that is written down. I'm not sure why I think it's necessary, maybe, it isn't that it's necessary but more that it can be inspirational and wish for it to be eternal in a sense. Inspiring for myself, for my husband, daughter and anyone else who sees it as so.

I believe in smiles, dark chocolate and husky kisses.
I believe that our thoughts can create reality.
I believe that laughter is the best way to burn calories.
I believe in dreamers and dreams.
I believe in miracles, small or big, if I didn't would they still happen?
I believe that the body has the ability to heal itself.
I believe that nature can simplify life.
I believe that we are all accountable.
I believe that massage is the best gift.
I believe in prayers, answered or otherwise, and in meditation.
I believe in conscious eating.
I beleive in hard work.
I believe in God and Jesus Christ.
I beleive that living a fullfilled and happy life at the expense of losing precious time with others is no life at all.
I beleive in setting my own rules.
I beleive that home is where my family is together.
I believe in Ginger for soothing stomach issues and yoga for the soul.
I believe in love, which is also a song, but I still believe in it.

Miss Golightly

Sitting here on my couch getting a good refresher on the most intriguing character I have seen in a movie, Miss Holly Golightly. For those that do not know who she is, you are missing out! She is a stunning and engaging woman played by the talented Audrey Hepburn in the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's. 

It reminded me of a quote I read recently from Miss Hepburn:

 

So my friend, you know that I am hardly a "classic" woman, I'm sure i'm not even considered a typical woman to most. But I have no desire to spend time writing about what others may think of me because that in fact, matters less then....well..... anything. I haven't always been this way, but lets face it, we are all evolving. Everyday we are in the midst of a new normal, a new adventure and the things that matter most are not easily recognized by our desensitized rationality. Life is hazy and unpredictable. The only way to truly recognize whats important, is by weeding out all the other things in life, the clothes, the jewelery, the radio, the noise...... Sometimes it seems impossible to rise above the ramblings in the streets, but I believe that ability will distinguish the beautiful people from the others, and that it is the only way to be undoubtedly happy. Happiness emulates beauty more then any material ever could, more than any pair of high heels or any amount of make-up. 

Insert rain, a lonely taxi driver and an argument turned to an unlikely love scene. And then Paul delivers one of the best lines "no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself", as he slams the car door. Holly dashes out in the rain to find her nameless cat, and of course, claim her impulsive love.

"Moon River, wider than a mile  (I'm crossin' you in style some day)
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way"....oh yes, you must see this movie.

Getting to know her

Staying with my paternal Grandma for the last week has been a huge blessing for me. I am lucky to have the opportunity to get to know her more as a person and as a friend. She is quite amazing. She was a widow at the age of 33 with 5 kids, the youngest being 2 years old when her husband (my grandpa) died of a heart attack at the age of 36. I was overwhelmed with sadness as I read his Obituaries from the newspapers and that he left behind so many small children. My dad was 13 when he lost his Father. Evan Hone was a Police Officer for Provo City (Utah) at the time, he looked so healthy, so alive. I don't know much about my Grandpa Hone, but I know he was a good Father and I know he loved .......and he was loved. I have not met him in this life but I do feel his presence around me sometimes. I can even recall one time that I felt him in my hospital room as I was recovering from an unexpected surgery. Actually, I felt him so close, I sent my husband home to sleep since I knew I was not alone. I learned that I get that (my spirituality) from my Grandma. She told me a story about how she knew something was going to happen months before Evan died.....you will have to ask her details, but I can say that I have felt and experienced similar things in my life. I told her that I have never been shocked, not in any of my trials and not in any of my huge blessings and there have been plenty of BOTH in my life. I have an inept ability to feel something coming, good or bad. She told me she has always known that about me and yet this is the first we have ever spoke about it. I am grateful for the chance to get to know these small details about her. I love that something that is unique to me, I share with my Grandma.

I'm aware

I thought I would make it through this week without a peep about how it is National Infertility Awareness Week but alas that was not meant to be. When I have an itch, I scratch it. Ok, so bear with me for a minute. More times than I can count, I have been out on the bike trail, tackling every obstacle in my view, over roots, between narrow trees and up rock-filled inclines all for fun of the ride. After hours of riding, I could look back with pride and happiness as I had accomplished something that was emotionally and physically fulfilling as well demanding on both levels. Infertility was and IS still the card that Dave and I drew. It's that rock wall in the middle of our ride, covered in roots and Florida sand that we have had to tackle, not knowing what is on other side. This the reality we have had to deal with as a married couple and as unique individuals. It's the reason why we have had so many obstacles, journeys and adventures-good and bad, empty and fulfilling. This is what has made us who we are. I do not spend time wishing it away as I know that just wastes the life that I can live and DO live, I do however acknowledge it for what it is. Infertility is a disease and we STILL suffer from it. I wonder what would it be like if the general public referred to it as just that, a disease, no different from heart disease or diabetes. I can't help but think that this would trigger a reaction would inspire people to talk about it, to seek support from others and to allow comfort when needed. I would be lying if I said that I believe others know what it feels like to have this disease, I think most people don't understand the heartache....the pain, but I have hope that they WILL one day. There are quite a few couples that drew this card just as we did. I carry a special place in my heart for those that will never get the chance to parent a child, whether that be through IVF, adoption, surrogate or other methods. I know all to well what that feels like. I wish I could say that at some point the disease goes away, but it doesn't. It gets easier to deal with for some but it doesn't go away. So in light of National Infertility AWARENESS Week, I would like to declare myself aware. I encourage those of you with friends or family members who suffer to make yourself aware as well. Learn how to support them or continue to support them through their hardships. Please take the time visit http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/ This is an excellent resource for all.

Love the ride

Dave and I started riding bikes about a couple months after we got married. At the time, we wanted something to do together while also getting exercise, we had NO idea it would end up being something we spend every weekend doing together. Trail riding has always came easy for us. Jersey. check. Those clever padded shorts that I love, yep.....check. Helmet, gloves, fancy schmancy clip in shoes, we got this, and off we go. As fun as it may be, the best part about it is more the experience and less the gear. Nothing is quite as peaceful as being outside, listening to nature and following the man you love over roots, through hog ruts on our way to nowhere as fast as our legs can go. It's been one and a half years since we started In Vitro Fertilization when my RE asked that I stop riding my bike for the time being. I was okay with it but totally knew I was going to be missing out on something that I loved. What I didn't fully grasp was that I would be missing out on the time spent with my husband as well. There is something romantic about riding into the sunset behind your spouse. My music is the sound of the leaves under my tires and the thrush of air in an out of the shocks. The smell of dense cedar fills my lungs and the sound of my own panting creates a rhythm as I push harder through the sand and dirt. What more could I ask for than the chance to play and discover this trail in this very moment. It is a priceless gift. Endorphins give light to meaningful thoughts of reflection and in some moments, silence. I do cherish the silence. He calls back to check on me and I know I am headed in the right direction. Loving the ride.

A letter to my 20 year old self

I chose to write you a letter tonight from your 29 going on 30 year old self. Haha, I know you never thought 30 would be old, thank goodness you still feel the same. As 30 approaches, I am thinking back to you.....young, innocent and curious. Right about now, you are probably somewhat satisfied with life on the outside but something isn't quite right, is it? You don't need to get into details with me because I know you so well. I know some days you feel so off, you wonder what else life can offer. You wonder if you are being treated the way you deserve. You question your faith and your choices. I am happy to tell you that you will make it through this patch. It takes time to figure out which direction to go in and to let go of your expectations. Sometimes it is impossible to get what you want out of what you already have, do you understand? It is ok to give up on something when chasing it offers nothing but pain. Learn to let go. In the next few years, you will truly understand what that means and how it feels to move on. You will make a new world for yourself, and you won't look back. That being said, at some point you will meet a guy that cherishes you. He will support you, not so much with words, but by his actions. If you don't notice that attribute in the person you are with now, believe me.....he isn't THE one. Home is where the heart is. You will never forget that, you will also learn that Home is where you make it.....it's more about who you are with, then where you are living. Cherish the moments you feel comfort and safety. One day, you will enjoy sitting reclined in front of the fireplace enjoying your solitude and a cup of tea with your loved ones. Yes, you will love to stay home on the weekend nights, doesn't that sound relaxing and SO grown up? Life is going to be hard, by now, you have experienced a piece of that. More friends will pass, more hearts will break and more tragedy will strike. What little bits of faith you feel you have now, you will question in just a short time. Don't give up....ever, not even when your 30. There is a plan in place for you. Slowly, it will surface but believe me, it will keep you on your toes every bit of the way! I am happy to say that without a doubt, you are fulfilled when your 29. You are amazed and you are loved and YOU are grateful. So much to look forward to.

This October Day

As I stepped outside yesterday, I could smell autumn in the air. The cool, sweet breeze gently blew against my face. Then with the next step, the sun warmth spread across the right side of my body. Oh, how I love this season. The very thought of what is to come in the near future leaves me savoring every second of this October day. Dave and I walked around the yard, exploring trees, feeling the prickly grass on our feet, with a lively baby in my arms. We showed her the bamboo daddy has been growing in the back. She smells, touches and tries to eat one of the leaves, discovering with all her senses as she often does. I puzzle at what this place may be like for her, a young and impressionable creature. Every new taste or smell is a first, her first. We make our way to the sturdy grandfather Oak, then to our newly planted Magnolia. Each time we approach a tree, she waves her arms in excitement and sequels out in pure joy. It takes my breath away seeing her explore the world. I hope she gets to see it all, taste it all. Dave and I make our way to the front of the house, sun still shining, wind still blowing gently on our skin. Dave lays out a blankey on the grass just under the oak in front of our home. We lay out in the sun, we play and laugh all together.

something more

Someone once told me that the desires we have in our hearts come from a higher power .....meaning God. This was years ago but it stuck with me. The concept absorbed into my skin, my being , little by little until it became a part of me; a part of my world and every time I question why I feel so strongly about certain things, in that tiny moment, I wonder why God has put that desire in me. Desire is such a strong word, something that one cannot live without. There have been many things in my life that I felt a longing for, nothing quite that would measure up to my longing to be a mother. My heart would race at the concept of holding my own precious soul in my arms. For a long time, I wasn't sure how this would come to be but I knew it would, I felt that it would. Patience. Endurance. The realization that life is what we make it. I choose this moment. I choose her. Again, I feel my heart race. Enter desire. Yes, I recognize the feeling. My whole body warms at the thought. Something more, something more.

To Dave- In the right moment.

She was young and he was too. Both not ready for anything more than a dance under the dim light. At the rehearsal dinner, they sat across from each other, pictures were taken, balloon hats were worn, salsa was eaten.... and neither boy nor girl gave a second glance at the person sitting near. The presumption being that it was not meant to be. "Oh, he"s a great guy and he's so cute", the bride told her sister. And the girl, who maybe lacked some self confidence, did not pursue the blue-eyed, blonde haired man. As for the boy, not much is known of his thoughts on her at the time if there were any. Alas, it was not the right place, it was not the right moment. They enjoyed the wedding and went on their ways, back to their different worlds, different dreams. She fell in love and married, soon after. One destructive decision after another and life was difficult. She knew her world was not ideal and realized that some things should be let go of. She moved back home, not searching for anything short of freedom. He had a rough go after high school and made the choice to move from the only place he had ever known. He needed a fresh start, a new hopeful existence. Free from her shackles, she saw a glimmer of opportunity in her future. She embraced her new life, and for the first time ever, she learned to love herself. So, when her sister mentioned the boy again, she figured there was nothing wrong with becoming friends. She hardly remembered his face. He just got out of a relationship and agreed to have a chat with her. At over 4,000 miles apart, they opened up to a friendship; they accepted which ever direction it would go. But nobody truly knew what was to come. She found it easy to converse with him. She told him all her secrets and her dreams. He acknowledged her in a way she had never known possible. They grew together. As their conversations lingered, so did their nights and days. Sometimes, they would talk so long that they would fall asleep on the phone. She loved hearing his tired, scratchy voice. He loved her giddy zest for life. They would have never known that this was meant to be; that love could be born by merely sharing and gaining and even more so, without seeing. The right place and the right moment just hadn't happened until then. The story of us begins.......

Godspeed

Today I am blessed. I was able to provide for my clients, spend time with my baby and have amazing conversation with my best friend and husband. I like to remember how much I have been given so I don't have reason to complain. Tonight, I didn't need to remind myself how great I've got it. Aspen is asleep on me as I type on my phone and rock on the glider. The dogs are sprawled out on the cool laminate floor, sleeping. Niko next to Dave's spot on the couch and Belles on my side, a somber guardian. My husband laughs hysterically at "Rules of Engagement" reruns and everytime he does, Aspen lifts her head up and opens her tired eyes to see him....she smiles and then plops her head back on my shoulder. Aw, the simple life that a child has. Her innocence is a reminder of how life should be. Good night moon will find the mouse and I love you. God speed little one. Sweet dreams little one