As life would have it, I am once more looking at my past in awe at the wonders that have unraveled before me. I cannot hide my reality, I choose not to. I choose to look it in the face, to breathe in the fear, to swallow the pride that envelopes me and live. I live the best way I know how.
Each of us are on at least one journey at any given time. This is about my journey through a world of sorrow, passion and deep love. My journey through Infertility.
Each of us are on at least one journey at any given time. This is about my journey through a world of sorrow, passion and deep love. My journey through Infertility.
After 3 years of marriage, Dave and I finally felt ready to have children. We enjoyed our time together but were ready for the next big thing. We were patient as the months went by. Six months passed, then 8 and I decided to start charting my cycles. I learned a lot about my body. There were a few minor issues that I sought to correct through herbs, diet and other alternative measures. I saw the changes I wanted in my cycle but nothing came of it. I started feeling vacant. Something was wrong but I didn't know what.
We were camping one weekend in April (1.5 years since we started trying) when Dave and I discussed the next step. What if there was something wrong with him? Or me? What would we do? And the million dollar question, how far would we be willing to go to see this dream fulfilled. We were merely kids in the eyes of the world, we were undeniably clueless to the journey ahead.
A week later, while planting my garden, I started spotting mid cycle. Everything I learned about my body was under scrutiny. I had never had a mid cycle bleed, ever. That week things started to change. The bleeding lasted a couple days and then came the symptoms. I was shocked to see that tiny second line show up on my home pregnancy test. This was it, all the hard work paid off. Funny how urine on a stick could make someone so happy......but only for a moment.
Our first ultrasound showed an 8 week baby, heartbeat and all. Only one problem, he/she was in my right fallopian tube. Oh boy, this is not good. Two scenarios could play out, neither one involved us taking home a baby in 8 months. Off to surgery we go.
I cannot describe the feeling I experienced as I chose my life over the life of that tiny being. The pain of the ectopic pregnancy was nothing compared to seeing that tiny heart beating replaying in my head over and over again. My tube burst just 30 minutes before surgery. One tube down, one left.
I was strong though and Dave was too. He followed my lead carefully, not knowing what I was up for. We tried again and got pregnant right away only to miscarry immediately. Heartache all over again. I dreamt of these babies often. In September, I was pregnant again. I was getting blood tests and progesterone tests done every two days and feeling so hopeful even though I was spotting. We were off to Utah for a family wedding that next week. We had a great time. I had morning sickness but I wasn't complaining. The night before our flight back home, I got an awful feeling in my stomach, not cramps, not pain, just intuition trying to tell me something. I prayed, hard. Then I knew I had to go to the hospital just to be sure.
The ultrasound tech seemed hopeful as she begun the screening. There was a tiny sac in my uterus. At this point I was just under 6 weeks pregnant so we should be able to see more. The search continued and she found the baby in my left fallopian tube. Off to surgery once again. We were hoping the Doctor could salvage what was left of my tube. The thought of losing both of them was weighing heavily on me. When I awoke, the room was dark. It was 4 in the morning. Dave was standing over me to give me the news that we would no longer be able to concieve a child on our own. The only way for us to get pregnant would be through In Vitro Fertilization, something we said we would never do.
Dave was tired so I told him to go back to his Moms to sleep.
I lay there in the dark, alone, and an amazing thing happened. I was comforted. I have no doubt that I was surrounded by loved ones. It was a feeling mostly, but I could see them too. The room was crowded and I felt overwhelmingly loved.
I can do this. I can move on.
The next months were some of the roughest. The difficulty that infertility put on our marriage was evident. We had to make choices. Choices that we never wanted to make. We had to agree on something because nothing was not an option.
In February, I had surgery again to remove what was left of my tubes and to the close the opening that led to my uterus. We did not want to chance another ectopic pregnancy and even with IVF, where they put the embryo in your uterus, there is still a chance that it can float up and attach to the fallopian tube.
In February, I had surgery again to remove what was left of my tubes and to the close the opening that led to my uterus. We did not want to chance another ectopic pregnancy and even with IVF, where they put the embryo in your uterus, there is still a chance that it can float up and attach to the fallopian tube.
Then, in May, we started an IVF cycle. Every day Dave would give me between 2-4 shots in the glutes, abdomen and thigh. Then, I would drive 25 minutes to the clinic for blood draws and ultrasounds every other day. I cannot even
explain how stressful it was to literally put all our eggs in one basket. Five days into the cycle and my Doctor was ready to cancel because I was not responding at all to the injections. It turns out that losing my tubes was not the only problem causing my Infertility, I also had "diminished ovarian reserve". On a whim, he upped my dosage even more and I prayed for a miracle. Finally, we had some progress and continued as planned. We were able to get 5 embryos, 4 fertilized and we transferred 2 in the beginning of June.
We have a two year old girl. She's beautiful, lively and she's a miracle. I cherish every moment I have with her. But, I cannot say that this journey is over. I am not fixed, I am still missing a part of me and that is something I have to continue to overcome every day. So to say I have overcame Infertility is not entirely correct. But believe me when I say that my heart is full, I am blessed and I would do it all again for the time I have spent with my little girl.
About 12% of couples live with infertility. My heart aches for those that will never be able to have a baby in their arms whether through ART, IVF, IUI or adoption. My hope for the future is that more people will recognize infertility for what it is, a disease, and that more people will show compassion towards those afflicted.
I would like to thank my family and Daves family for their support, love and encouragement. And to all others who traveled with us on this journey, whose presence will never be forgotten. We are blessed indeed.
