Some words for my daughter

No intro needed.
Just this.....

Aspen
Each day that passes, we see you grow
You are the sunlight in the window.
You are the green on the oak in spring
You breathe new life into all these things

We love to see you discover it all
You open the cabinets, you hit at the walls
Each step you make proves your courageous
Your joy and laughter is contagious

When you're outside, you never stop.
You climb on trees, you dance, you hop.
In and out of puddles galore, you love the world, you sign for "more".

Aspen, you will always be everything we always need.
More than we dreamt for, more than we asked for, our little girl, our Aspen Tree.

Some days I just need a reminder

My life to date has been quite rewarding. I have an amazing job where I get to help people feel better. I have extremely loyal and grateful clients and I am so blessed to be able to share my abilities as a body worker. For this, for them, for my hands and for my knowledge, I AM GRATEFUL. 

Then, I have this man in my life who knows and understands me in my best and worst moments. He is man enough to know how important my role as a mom is to me. He is a friend in my weakest moments, when I am stressed because I have to be gone from my girl for a whole day, he packs her up to drive over an hour round trip to see me for lunch.....TWO DAYS IN A ROW! He IS what I hope I am for him, and what I hope my daughter will find many years from now.

I've got this little girl that makes my heart melt on a regular basis and pulls my hair out for me so I don't have to. We are sitting in the Aquarium parking lot while she gets some shut eye. I was so close to not going today since all of our friends couldn't, but decided ultimately that we shouldn't miss these moments because of others. We at least have each other and believe me, it is never boring. I AM GRATEFUL she keeps me living, especially on a day I am feeling down. She insists that I focus on the little things. Lets make some more memories.

"No really, look into my eyes"

 

 

"No really, look into my eyes."

Sometimes, I don't have all the answers, well, a lot of the time. I am imperfect, I am a Mother and I am learning as I go, always trying to let my instincts guide my parenting skills (if that's what I choose to call them).

My girl is just old enough to understand a lot of what I say and just brilliant enough to choose what to accept as logic. BUT she is not quite at a mental maturity level where she understands consequences. I expect that will come in the next few months. So tonight, when she through a fit for the third night in a row out of frustration and teething pangs, I told my 18 month old to look into my eyes. "Look at me, look into my eyes." I'm just pushing out ideas here not knowing if she will shoot down my efforts. "Seriously though, look at my eyes, Aspen."  Her tears were still running down her pink cheeks when she stopped crying and tilted her head to the left. Both of her eyes centered on my right pupil and she just stared, head still cocked to the side. Everything went from chaotic and uncontrollable to purposeful, quiet and alert. Oh, YES, I do believe we have had a moment here.

I could see her focusing and dissecting every color and star shape line in my eye. I tried to be content and let her explore as I suggested. I tilted my head to match hers (a favorite game of ours) and then she started laughing hysterically. She has such a joyful and musical laugh, I just had to join in. What am I to do, stay serious? Ha, not this lady.

One of the many blessings of being a Mom for me is these little moments where I feel like I am teaching her something about life, but she has made me the student instead. I don't know if she will ever learn everything I vow to teach her but I know she will continue to expect the best out of me, to push me to be a better parent and a better person everyday of my life.

My Credo

It occurred to me recently that I do not have a Credo...well not one that is written down. I'm not sure why I think it's necessary, maybe, it isn't that it's necessary but more that it can be inspirational and wish for it to be eternal in a sense. Inspiring for myself, for my husband, daughter and anyone else who sees it as so.

I believe in smiles, dark chocolate and husky kisses.
I believe that our thoughts can create reality.
I believe that laughter is the best way to burn calories.
I believe in dreamers and dreams.
I believe in miracles, small or big, if I didn't would they still happen?
I believe that the body has the ability to heal itself.
I believe that nature can simplify life.
I believe that we are all accountable.
I believe that massage is the best gift.
I believe in prayers, answered or otherwise, and in meditation.
I believe in conscious eating.
I beleive in hard work.
I believe in God and Jesus Christ.
I beleive that living a fullfilled and happy life at the expense of losing precious time with others is no life at all.
I beleive in setting my own rules.
I beleive that home is where my family is together.
I believe in Ginger for soothing stomach issues and yoga for the soul.
I believe in love, which is also a song, but I still believe in it.

Miss Golightly

Sitting here on my couch getting a good refresher on the most intriguing character I have seen in a movie, Miss Holly Golightly. For those that do not know who she is, you are missing out! She is a stunning and engaging woman played by the talented Audrey Hepburn in the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's. 

It reminded me of a quote I read recently from Miss Hepburn:

 

So my friend, you know that I am hardly a "classic" woman, I'm sure i'm not even considered a typical woman to most. But I have no desire to spend time writing about what others may think of me because that in fact, matters less then....well..... anything. I haven't always been this way, but lets face it, we are all evolving. Everyday we are in the midst of a new normal, a new adventure and the things that matter most are not easily recognized by our desensitized rationality. Life is hazy and unpredictable. The only way to truly recognize whats important, is by weeding out all the other things in life, the clothes, the jewelery, the radio, the noise...... Sometimes it seems impossible to rise above the ramblings in the streets, but I believe that ability will distinguish the beautiful people from the others, and that it is the only way to be undoubtedly happy. Happiness emulates beauty more then any material ever could, more than any pair of high heels or any amount of make-up. 

Insert rain, a lonely taxi driver and an argument turned to an unlikely love scene. And then Paul delivers one of the best lines "no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself", as he slams the car door. Holly dashes out in the rain to find her nameless cat, and of course, claim her impulsive love.

"Moon River, wider than a mile  (I'm crossin' you in style some day)
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way"....oh yes, you must see this movie.

Getting to know her

Staying with my paternal Grandma for the last week has been a huge blessing for me. I am lucky to have the opportunity to get to know her more as a person and as a friend. She is quite amazing. She was a widow at the age of 33 with 5 kids, the youngest being 2 years old when her husband (my grandpa) died of a heart attack at the age of 36. I was overwhelmed with sadness as I read his Obituaries from the newspapers and that he left behind so many small children. My dad was 13 when he lost his Father. Evan Hone was a Police Officer for Provo City (Utah) at the time, he looked so healthy, so alive. I don't know much about my Grandpa Hone, but I know he was a good Father and I know he loved .......and he was loved. I have not met him in this life but I do feel his presence around me sometimes. I can even recall one time that I felt him in my hospital room as I was recovering from an unexpected surgery. Actually, I felt him so close, I sent my husband home to sleep since I knew I was not alone. I learned that I get that (my spirituality) from my Grandma. She told me a story about how she knew something was going to happen months before Evan died.....you will have to ask her details, but I can say that I have felt and experienced similar things in my life. I told her that I have never been shocked, not in any of my trials and not in any of my huge blessings and there have been plenty of BOTH in my life. I have an inept ability to feel something coming, good or bad. She told me she has always known that about me and yet this is the first we have ever spoke about it. I am grateful for the chance to get to know these small details about her. I love that something that is unique to me, I share with my Grandma.

I'm aware

I thought I would make it through this week without a peep about how it is National Infertility Awareness Week but alas that was not meant to be. When I have an itch, I scratch it. Ok, so bear with me for a minute. More times than I can count, I have been out on the bike trail, tackling every obstacle in my view, over roots, between narrow trees and up rock-filled inclines all for fun of the ride. After hours of riding, I could look back with pride and happiness as I had accomplished something that was emotionally and physically fulfilling as well demanding on both levels. Infertility was and IS still the card that Dave and I drew. It's that rock wall in the middle of our ride, covered in roots and Florida sand that we have had to tackle, not knowing what is on other side. This the reality we have had to deal with as a married couple and as unique individuals. It's the reason why we have had so many obstacles, journeys and adventures-good and bad, empty and fulfilling. This is what has made us who we are. I do not spend time wishing it away as I know that just wastes the life that I can live and DO live, I do however acknowledge it for what it is. Infertility is a disease and we STILL suffer from it. I wonder what would it be like if the general public referred to it as just that, a disease, no different from heart disease or diabetes. I can't help but think that this would trigger a reaction would inspire people to talk about it, to seek support from others and to allow comfort when needed. I would be lying if I said that I believe others know what it feels like to have this disease, I think most people don't understand the heartache....the pain, but I have hope that they WILL one day. There are quite a few couples that drew this card just as we did. I carry a special place in my heart for those that will never get the chance to parent a child, whether that be through IVF, adoption, surrogate or other methods. I know all to well what that feels like. I wish I could say that at some point the disease goes away, but it doesn't. It gets easier to deal with for some but it doesn't go away. So in light of National Infertility AWARENESS Week, I would like to declare myself aware. I encourage those of you with friends or family members who suffer to make yourself aware as well. Learn how to support them or continue to support them through their hardships. Please take the time visit http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/ This is an excellent resource for all.

Love the ride

Dave and I started riding bikes about a couple months after we got married. At the time, we wanted something to do together while also getting exercise, we had NO idea it would end up being something we spend every weekend doing together. Trail riding has always came easy for us. Jersey. check. Those clever padded shorts that I love, yep.....check. Helmet, gloves, fancy schmancy clip in shoes, we got this, and off we go. As fun as it may be, the best part about it is more the experience and less the gear. Nothing is quite as peaceful as being outside, listening to nature and following the man you love over roots, through hog ruts on our way to nowhere as fast as our legs can go. It's been one and a half years since we started In Vitro Fertilization when my RE asked that I stop riding my bike for the time being. I was okay with it but totally knew I was going to be missing out on something that I loved. What I didn't fully grasp was that I would be missing out on the time spent with my husband as well. There is something romantic about riding into the sunset behind your spouse. My music is the sound of the leaves under my tires and the thrush of air in an out of the shocks. The smell of dense cedar fills my lungs and the sound of my own panting creates a rhythm as I push harder through the sand and dirt. What more could I ask for than the chance to play and discover this trail in this very moment. It is a priceless gift. Endorphins give light to meaningful thoughts of reflection and in some moments, silence. I do cherish the silence. He calls back to check on me and I know I am headed in the right direction. Loving the ride.